So it seems that 2019 is essentially over. As usual, it is bittersweet to recall everything that happened in my world this year and to think of how I will continue to learn and grow in the coming year of 2020.
I went into 2019 fiercely optimistic. I felt that 2019 was MY year. I was going to absolutely own everything I attempted. Gone was the shyness and high anxiety of my early teen years. This is who I am! I thought. Finally, my identity seems solidified. I am a Christian, I am a daughter and a sister and a friend. I’m a sinner struggling to love God in a world that insists I love anything but.
In 2019, I was going to graduate high school and start college, and I was confident that with a few prayers, I would rise to any complication or challenge. I was also very happy. I strode into my fast-food job in January (at that point I had had the same job for a year and a half) and I greeted customers enthusiastically and received many smiles in return. I was on a wave of euphoria; life was difficult but I was tough. The one thing that marred my sense of invincibility was the painful loneliness that caught me in quiet moments. “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” became my anthem and I lived. My final semester of high school passed almost without my noticing.
In August 2019, I moved out of my mom and stepdad’s house and onto a college campus. I cringed when I emptied my savings account to pay for the cost of such a living situation. Suddenly I’m living on my own and buying my own toilet paper, but I thank God and my parents that I had been well prepared for this inevitable moment. I got a job in an office on campus and I maintained a 4.0 GPA. For the first couple of months of the semester, I struggled with very deep loneliness and feeling out of place. I wept frequently from the sheer misery, for misery it was. I have always been an introvert, but Joseph Roux said it best when he declared that “solitude vivifies; isolation kills.” Yet I eventually found comfort and support from old friends and new, and from some people who I never expected to care.
In 2019, I met a lot of people from differing backgrounds. I didn’t become close to anyone at my college, but I admired sincerely my roommate, professors, and peers. There were a few key individuals who had the greatest impact on my social life. I had the pleasure of growing close again to a very old friend, while at the same time watching close friends drift away to places I could not comprehend. I met a new friend who has become surprisingly dear to me and a real comfort. I had one professor whom I absolutely admired and she likewise empathized with the views I put in my essays and encouraged me in my creativity. I do not feel now that I have no one to turn to, as I did at the beginning of the year.
In 2019 I became a legal adult. I started drinking energy drinks. I started DMing my own D&D campaign. I decided to make a more concerted effort to be compassionate to every single human being I met, because I am sick of my own judgemental thoughts.
To everyone who offered me money, a place to stay on weekends, friendship, and even (or perhaps especially) a kind word or comforting pat on the back, thank you. From the bottom of my heart. It may be cliched, but I am so genuinely grateful for the little things.
My resolution for 2020 is a modest one, but able to be accomplished I think. I intend to write every day. Starting with 5 minutes a day in January, 10 in February, 15 in March, and so on until I have December when I habitually write for an hour every day. Although I dabble in other sorts of art casually, I have no greater creative outlet than writing.
Happy New Year, one and all. May 2020 be filled with peace, hope, and safety for you all. God bless.
There's a Crack in My Rose-Colored Glasses 