Loyalty is what now?

So apparently I am a loyal person.  I never considered myself as such. It isn’t a very pretty word, and I associate it with golden retrievers. Being a cat person, this mental image wasn’t appealing to me, and I had a subconscious notion that loyalty is a weaker trait. I will emphasize at this point that fidelity in marriage is of the utmost importance to me. It seems that in my mind there was sort of a disconnect between the word ‘loyal’ and its meaning.

But the sudden revelation that the term might be applicable to me when my counselor remarked on my being loyal to my friends.  Even though I see my school friends every day, share laughs with them, and love them dearly, my church friends will always be my best friends, and the closest one is 45 minutes away.   I do not require daily communication to maintain my relationship with these friends. I mean, I relish every moment (well, most) with them and sometimes after not seeing them for a week or two I feel gloomy.

My favorite book, color, animal, movie, and others very rarely change. I have been in love with one guy for two and a half years, even though I haven’t seen him since October 2016(he just texted me a late happy Valentine’s day, so I am super jazzed). I have a preferred gas station. When I think about it, there are a lot of little things that I will always choose over another.(i.e., Crayola Crayons[but isn’t that everyone?])

Maybe it is more a matter of habit than of loyalty.  What am I comfortable with? What have I always done?

Then again, I am very emotionally involved and will defend to the point of ridiculousness Star Wars, Claude Debussy, or whatever else I love that people attack.

Do I genuinely just hate the word loyal? I have no problem with being called trustworthy, steadfast, or devoted. Why have I just now realized that I am loyal? And why do I hate the word?

I solemnly swear that my posting will be as infrequent as ever. But if you took the time to read this, you’re one of my favorites.

May the Force be with you,




2017 Lessons

For me, 2017 was laced with life lessons. I’ve jokingly said that I haven’t been in my comfort zone all year, and even though I’m typically cheerful these days as we reach January, I definitely had some rough patches.

I turned 16 in March. That in itself is pretty momentous, and I had my dearest friends over and had a grand old time.  Later that March, I emailed my romantic interest happy birthday, and gave him my phone number. He texted me one afternoon when I was chopping lettuce, and I almost cut myself in nervousness and excitement. At Pascha, in April, I had a few moments despair, realizing that all my friends were getting into relationships and I was still totally single, missing a guy I rarely talked to.

At some point in the late spring I started doing Pilates, and fell in love with it. I was faithful, and I now consistently work out for 20 minutes, four times a week. It’s not a lot, but I’ve never been the most kinetic of people and this pleases me and fits my schedule. (By the way, I highly recommend blogilates on YouTube. Cassey Ho is AMAZING!!)

In June, I got my first job at Sonic Drive-in. I had been sending out applications for months, with little success. Finally I had to suck it up and (sweating all the while) call Sonic to inform them that I had applied. Within 30 seconds I had an interview scheduled for the following day, and within the next 24 hours I had a job. Initiative pays off, folks. I have a good boss and I am the primary ice cream person. Combined with my Pilates routine, I have grown stronger this year, and though I’ve gained weight (which I frankly needed), I’m probably in the best shape of my life. I feel (and dare I say look!) great. And I still eat Pop tarts fairly regularly.

In August, school began again, and I started my first concurrent college course and working extra in English to make the future easier for myself. Here I must be cautious so as not to condemn my well meaning teachers, but the college course (American history) was the source for much stress for me, and I grew to hate it. It was micromanaged. We were required to answer questions at the end of the chapters which were not assigned by the professor, and we had to have our essays looked over before they were submitted, and we spent five hours a week on what was meant to  be a 3-hour course. During class time, little was accomplished. I did pass the class with an A, but the experience was painful. I also had to take my siblings to school every morning, pick them up every afternoon, and be ready for work by five o’clock four days a week. I continued to do Pilates, keep up with homework, and try to get enough sleep. My stress levels became so high this semester that I was having borderline suicidal thoughts, and was often depressed during the day.

It was during this time that I officially made the decision to leave the school next year. I will home-school myself 2018-2019 and graduate quickly. Mom approved this decision. It isn’t just the disastrous college course; this is something that has been building up for awhile. It’s difficult to be an Orthodox Christian in a Protestant school. And I disagree with a lot of things taught there, not just theological, but their adherence to stereotypical gender roles and their fear of anything “not normal”, like multiple piercings, wearing a lot of black, or tattoos. It’s a good-willed but stifling environment.

Other major things that happened this year:

  • Discovered Vine. RIP.
  • Visited a monastery with some friends.
  • Got my driver’s license (my second time taking the test)
  • Decided that if I’m not a nun I’m going to be a counselor.
  • Got a major haircut. 18″. Sold to an Estonian businesswoman for $180.
  • Found out the love of my life was an atheist.
  • Witnessed two of my RL ships getting together… and one breaking up.
  • Really, truly accepted myself as I am in this very moment.

Life goes on.  Here’s to you all, that you may have a blessed 2018, full of growth, experiences, and memories to cherish.

Love you all,


A Difference of Opinion: Part 2

This is probably the first time I’ve posted two days in a row, which is frankly pathetic, but I hope it happens more often.

As I said in my last post, I am under a good deal of emotional stress right now.  If you haven’t read my last post, Difference of Opinion: Part 1, I encourage you to go do that, then come back.  Anyway, I want to talk to you all about coping strategies.

Since my text conversation with Herb, I have prayed on more frequent intervals.  I think this is obvious for most Christians.  No matter what’s happening, the first thing you do is pray.  You get the job you wanted; you pray in gratitude.  You find your life to be in danger; you pray for protection.  In any circumstance where we are afraid, lonely, or hurting, we PRAY.  It’s what we do.  Prayer and its health benefits are similar to meditation and the benefits associated with it, so if you aren’t a praying person, this might help.  Drink coffee and meditatively watch the sun rise.

Really, I think this episode in my life is serving to strengthen my faith, because I suddenly have the urge to read Scripture, especially Psalms and the Gospels, but eventually all of it.  People of other faiths, I am not trying t exclude you, but this is what’s helping me.

Thirdly, I have created a “Getting Over Herb” playlist, compiling songs that promote confidence and make me feel better about the world. Titles such as “I’m Still Standing” by Elton John, “The Sound of Silence” by Simon & Garfunkel, and the classic “Carry On Wayward Son” by Kansas, are buoying me up out of Emotion Ocean, and helping me breathe.

Talking it out is also a good one.  Tell a close friend or family member what you’re going through.  If you don’t have any friends or close family, get a counselor.  Heck, if you can’t do that, write down everything that’s bothering you and burn it.  Rant. Swear if you need to.  Don’t bottle it up.  Which brings me to my main point.

Do not hide from uncomfortable feelings.  Let them flow.  Be uncomfortable for a while.  Our capacity to feel love, sorrow, happiness, heartbreak, and pain is one of the things that makes us human.  Use coping strategies to work through difficult times, but do not forget your pain.  This is how people grow, and become better and wiser.

Play some music. Pray. Cry. Have a beer. Read Scripture. Sleep. Spend time with friends. Watch your favorite movie. Repeat as many times as necessary.  This isn’t the end; it is the end of a chapter, and the beginning of a brand new one.


Au revoir again,


A Difference of Opinion: Part 1

Yesterday, I suffered from a bit of a blow.  An occasional correspondent and long-term crush of mine informed me that he was an atheist.  Not on his own; I asked for it.  It was something that I had wanted to know for a while, but hadn’t had the right moment or flt ready to discuss such a huge topic.  But yesterday I did, and now I am face to face with reality.

Almost exactly two years ago, I began to fall in love with a certain guy.  For simplicity’s sake, let’s call him Herb.  Herb is about 3 years older than me.  On the surface, there wasn’t a lot to recommend him to me.  He was awkward, grumpy, somewhat rude, and extremely arrogant.  Not to mention he was a high school senior in my 8th/9th grade year.

However, we’d been attending the same school for a year and a half now, and I’d always sorta thought he was cute.  And now Herb an I were in the same classroom (it’s worth mentioning that my school is tiny).  We began seeing more of each other.  I fought my feelings at first, but after a month or two gave in.  I told my friends, and they heartily shipped us, and told me Herb was a great match for me.  They teased me, I scribbled his name in my notebook, I daydreamed, and fell head over heels.  Typical high school crush, right?

Part of the reason I fell so hard and fast was a suspicion that my feelings might be reciprocated.  Herb and I frequently made eye contact (which created whole platoons of butterflies in my stomach) and he would say things when he was near  me (i.e. “I don’t mind sitting by her”) and I unintentionally did the same thing, and there were so many tiny little things that happened that would seem meaningless to many, but that meant the world to me.  I came to realize that he was a kind-hearted, intelligent, confident soul, and that we were in fact, from a temperament and personality standpoint, quite compatible. His smile, his laugh, his personality, his mannerisms; I loved it all.

I won’t go into further depth on this history, because  that isn’t the point of this post and these remembrances now hold a lot of sorrow for me.  Essentially, I fell in love, he graduated and left, I spent a summer missing him and realizing how poignant my affection had become.  Shortly after another school year commenced, I emailed Herb and explained to him honestly the way I felt, and my conviction that dating in high school was something I had decided against.  A day or two later, he emailed back,  agreeing that to enter into some sort of relationship right now was unwise, but not really saying what he felt towards me.  I have remained in love with him since.

I should have inquired into his beliefs sooner.  I knew that we would inevitably disagree on some important theological element, given that we met at a Protestant school.  I even thought about the fact that he could be an atheist, or agnostic.  But I knew his parents went to church, so I didn’t worry about it much.

“Herb”, if you’re reading this, I am so sorry.  I’m not angry with you, and I’m not judging you.  It isn’t your fault; I blame myself entirely.  You must choose your own path in life, and no one else has the right to dictate what you should believe or how you need to live your life.

I love you.  But with such different views of the world and different ideals, it is impossible for anything to come of it.  Though, if we’re being honest, you never actually said that you liked me the way I like you.

Heartbrokenly Yours,



P.S. To my other readers, I am sorry that all of my stuff is so emotional and messy.  This blog is my outlet.  I swear though, I will try to get some sane posts in here somewhere.

Theoretical Heartbreak

Do you ever just want a pair of arms to cry into?  Strong arms, or rather, a strong person who will comfort you and tell you everything will be okay.

My ships are sailing. Translation: Two of my closest friends have recently started dating the guys I’ve shipped them with for years.  I am really overjoyed, because they are really good matches.  But I am also saddened, because things must change.  It makes sense to go to your significant other for advice, to tell stories, and share secrets.  That will take precedence over sharing with your good friend, as it should I suppose.

What if all of my friends get married to amazing people, perfect matches for them, and I am left alone?  I guess I don’t have a problem being single until all of my friends have significant others. and are walking on air.

I wonder if my friends actually consider me an important person in their lives.  I wonder if any has been or will ever be in love with me, and won’t be put off by my excessive emotions, quirky habits, and all of my imperfections.

I could be a nun.  But I still need friends.  I have learned the lesson that I need other people, not just God.  Of course, I need God above all, but I have had to swallow my pride and accept that I cannot live without other human beings.

I love my youth group.  I truly, deeply love them.  I was imagining a what-if scenario where I had to be parted from them permanently, and I confess that I cried in the shower.  My heart would break.

I feel stupid for being so emotional.  Is any sensible person as emotional as I am? Am I a ninny? Will anyone understand what I’m feeling and not judge me for it?  Again, I feel ashamed of my insecurity.

Whew.  This is my most open post so far.  No hateful comments, please.  I just needed to write.  Thank you for your patience.


Time for Some Self-Reflection

     Well, as of Monday, it is Great Lent for me and all of my Orthodox Christian brothers and sisters.  I have stopped playing mobile games and watching humorous YouTube videos (though speaking of which, you should check out Studio C).  I am also effectively made a vegan, and rice, Oreos, and pasta are a great blessing.

      I have been thinking for some weeks that what I really needed was Great Lent.  I have repeated patterns of laziness, binge-watching Downton Abbey or Star Trek: TNG, being rude to my neighbors, and in general becoming an a-hole.  I need a change.

     And this time of fasting and repentance, to be ultimately followed by Easter, or Pascha, gives me the opportunity to slow down for awhile and really examine myself and what I’m doing.  It’s also an excellent chance for Spring cleaning and planting spinach, but that’s secondary.

     When I start taking my life for granted, I become careless and despondent.  I play Village Life and forget that my life is temporary.  I get wrapped up in domestic affairs and the rights and wrongs of my six siblings behavior, and I forget to analyze mine.

     So I intend to spend Great Lent working on self-improvement, primarily spiritually, but also mentally, emotionally, socially, and physically.  I will began learning new guitar chords.  I will write more.  I will get outside and listen to the birds, feel the wind on my face, and get some exercise.  I will spend time in silence, simply enjoying the aura of my life, and listening to every sound, feeling every bit of material touches my skin, and really appreciating both the fullness and emptiness of life.

     I may try to blog more before Pascha, but no promises.  Thanks for subscribing!

                                                                                            Peace Out,


Sex? Meh.

I am now fifteen years old.  Which is kind of an awesome age.  It’s the first age that I truly feel secure with who I am and what my purpose in life is.

Thirteen and fourteen were generally sucky for me.  That was partly my fault, no doubt, and there was constant angst and anxiety.  And my circumstances supported instability.  My parents literally went to court and divorced the day after my thirteenth birthday.  Then I was in the path for an unending stream of events, including custody battles, a new school, mom struggling to find a good job, new friends, new crushes, new feelings, and in general, confusion.

Now, I hope you can see that this was an extremely volatile period in my life.  I was learning more about the world and about myself, and please be patient with me, I will get to my point.

Sex. I suppose nearly every teenager of that age is fascinated by that once-forbidden subject, which is now so glorified in the media, and so hushed up at home.  And now boys were so much more interesting; the knowledge that they are so fundamentally different from yourself was enough to have you pondering for days.

Of course I went a little boy-crazy in middle school.  And since I go to a tiny school where all ages are kind of lumped in together, of course in the Spring of 2015 I fell in love with an attractive, older, insecure, manipulative guy, right?  Ugh.  Let’s not go into that.

Anyway, now that my life and priorities have somewhat leveled out, I can honestly say that the idea of sex isn’t really appealing to me.  I am not asexual, and I do experience attraction, but I don’t particularly care if nothing happens beyond that.  Sex is weird.

If I marry, than of course I’ll have sex. I’m sure it will be delightful, if other people’s descriptions carry truth.  But I don’t look forward to it; I am not so perpetually fascinated by the secrets of the bedroom as I once was.  And I think that’s okay.

Au revoir,






Body Image

I recently have been struggling with my body image.  It’s odd, because I know fully well that it is what’s on the inside that counts, and that the only people who judged me by my appearance were the ones whose esteem I didn’t value.

Understand, I have never been by any means overweight.  I’ve always been relatively thin.  My fear was not so much that I was fat, as that I would become overweight.

I began analyzing my body in the mirror, looking at my thighs, my belly, my arms, etc.  I found flaws everywhere.  And I started paying attention to what I ate, and thinking about calories.  I guess I should mention that I get a lot of comments on my body from my family.  Let me give you some examples.

younger brother: You have an enormous butt…. You’re so fat…. her gigantic butt is in my way….

dad: If you start getting close to 130 pounds you should probably slim down…. You should probably be a little underweight, for health reasons…

mom: you’re too skinny… if anything she needs to gain weight… you are extremely skinny….  she’s like *this* big around… I was never that small… I never wore a size 4!

basically every female relative: YOU’RE SKINNY.

I officially don’t believe any of those.  On the 5th of this month, the day after I had been stunned and rather hurt by my mom’s accusations of “restrictive eating”, and staring in the mirror wondering if I really had lost that much weight, and if I was too skinny, I looked in the mirror again, and realized that I like how I look.

I know that I am a healthy weight.  I think I look good.  I will not give license to people’s negative comments on my appearance.  I do not want to lose weight.  I do not want to gain weight.  I will not eat past satisfaction, nor will I let myself go hungry.  Furthermore, I will wear makeup because I want to, not because I “have” to.  I will wash my face, but realize acne is a force of nature, not to be controlled.  I will wear clothes that I am comfortable in.  I will not spend hours on my hair unless I make the time and I want to.  How I look is hardly the most important thing about me.  And in my private opinion, which you all have the right to disagree with,

                                                               I am friggin’ sexy.


Presidential Candidate review: Bernie Sanders

For my second Presidential candidate review, I’ve chosen Bernie Sanders.  Why?  Because I think he’ll be easy to write about.

Now the whole “socialist” aspect of Mr. Sanders has attracted a lot of attention.  Socialism is of course directly against American values, at least, the original American values established in the Constitution.  He wants to tax the Charles Dickens out of the rich and let the poor go to college for free.

Sure it might sound nice.  But I believe people should work to earn what they get, and then keep it.  Some will be rich; some will be poor.  We can’t all be on the same level.  And we are certainly not entitled to an education!

And here, possibly the biggest reason I cannot support Sandy:


“The decision about abortion is a decision for a woman and her doctor to make, not the government. I will not allow the right wing to deny women control over their own bodies by forcing clinics to close, extending waiting periods, or inventing other methods that create de facto abortion bans. Roe v. Wade is the law of the land and must remain so.”  -Bernie Sanders

Now if you know me, you should know that I’m about as pro-life as they get.  But that’ll be another post…

To sum it up, if you want to rise to the top, if you want to get an education, if you want to break generational poverty, then you have to WORK.  And yeah, even that might not make you rich.  But guess what?  You are not entitled to ANYTHING.  It is not the government’s job to give you what you think you deserve.

Signing out,



Presidential Candidate review: Donald Trump

Not having an abundance of ideas, I have decided to give my opinion on the subject which so many Americans are watching unfold with anxiety.  The 2016 Presidential Election! Woo!

After you all have either cheered, groaned, or started thinking about ways to kill me, I shall give you my honest opinion on our dear Mr. Trump.

Donald Trump is a very wealthy man.  Although he inherited a large sum from his father, he has worked hard to get to where he is now, and has built onto his wealth so much that a couple billion is pretty much meaningless to him.  This makes him really an uncontrollable candidate, because he doesn’t owe anyone.  He can pay his own way through the Presidential race; endorsements are virtually meaningless on him.

Now, I have to confess that part of me is a huge Trump supporter.  Part of me, and not the logical or prominent part.  I guess he’s exciting.  When I hear him in the debates, he makes me want to like him. I feel like if he got elected, something big would happen.  I don’t know if it would be a good thing or a bad, but deep down, I thirst for revolution.  And if I believed that Trump believes what he says, I would be in grave danger of appalling all my friends and cheering for the Donald.  Well… maybe.

But after hearing that Mr.Trump donated money to Hillary Clinton’s campaign, and that he has gone from total liberal to apparent conservative, does not make me more inclined to trust him.  I am afraid he will steal votes from the republicans and hand the election to Hillary Clinton.  I do wonder how he feels about Bernie Sanders.  And I cannot ignore Trump’s racism, immaturity, and overall ridiculousness.

Anyway, I hope I get a chance to share with you my view on the other candidates, and please comment and tell me your opinion because I truly am interested.

Allons-y! –