I recently have been struggling with my body image. It’s odd, because I know fully well that it is what’s on the inside that counts, and that the only people who judged me by my appearance were the ones whose esteem I didn’t value.
Understand, I have never been by any means overweight. I’ve always been relatively thin. My fear was not so much that I was fat, as that I would become overweight.
I began analyzing my body in the mirror, looking at my thighs, my belly, my arms, etc. I found flaws everywhere. And I started paying attention to what I ate, and thinking about calories. I guess I should mention that I get a lot of comments on my body from my family. Let me give you some examples.
younger brother: You have an enormous butt…. You’re so fat…. her gigantic butt is in my way….
dad: If you start getting close to 130 pounds you should probably slim down…. You should probably be a little underweight, for health reasons…
mom: you’re too skinny… if anything she needs to gain weight… you are extremely skinny…. she’s like *this* big around… I was never that small… I never wore a size 4!
basically every female relative: YOU’RE SKINNY.
I officially don’t believe any of those. On the 5th of this month, the day after I had been stunned and rather hurt by my mom’s accusations of “restrictive eating”, and staring in the mirror wondering if I really had lost that much weight, and if I was too skinny, I looked in the mirror again, and realized that I like how I look.
I know that I am a healthy weight. I think I look good. I will not give license to people’s negative comments on my appearance. I do not want to lose weight. I do not want to gain weight. I will not eat past satisfaction, nor will I let myself go hungry. Furthermore, I will wear makeup because I want to, not because I “have” to. I will wash my face, but realize acne is a force of nature, not to be controlled. I will wear clothes that I am comfortable in. I will not spend hours on my hair unless I make the time and I want to. How I look is hardly the most important thing about me. And in my private opinion, which you all have the right to disagree with,
I am friggin’ sexy.